An Open Letter for a Girl Who Will Never Read This
They haven’t yet made a perfect human. I never claimed to be perfect either but I thought I was at least better than I am.
I have let myself down but most of all, I have the girl I adore down too.
There is not much I enjoy and day by day I lost more and more faith in humanity. I did, however, hold hope in love and in (her) only for me to ruin that. Now I do not have hope in myself.
I hate how humanity is strung together by empathy being a rouse to gain apathy and how we are suppose to endure life as oppose to enjoy it. You showed me I could enjoy my life through the love and understanding we had, I’d endure all other parts of my life if it meant crawling in next to you every night.
I need help. I cannot explain why things happened that did and that scares me. I feel I must have a need for attention to be constantly assured of who I am on a variety of different levels but really I had all that reassurance in you if I just stopped to listen for didn’t doubt every move I made. I needed that reassurance and I would take it from anyone knowing that I would never act upon it, so why would I do it? I feel like I must have a need to be ‘adored,’ to be ‘popular’ to feel like I have an emotional safety net for when things fall apart. The irony being that now that it has fallen apart, I have nothing; and all I want is you.
I don’t understand me but I will find out- I want to be normal.
Since, the warning bells rang I listened to you, I know the love I get from you is something I could never find anywhere else and that also scares me because I may never be able to get it back.
Last night, I believed if I ‘checked out’ I would do you a favour, you would never have to have contact with me again and your life would be better off. I am nothing without you and I was resigned to the fact I would always be nothing from now own so I will save myself that pain. I was stupid to think you would not care, I was selfish and I am sorry for the distress I caused you. I promise I will never do that to you; I am not proud of myself.
I don’t need the attention and I learned that earlier this year and I had hoped you would never know the extent of my compulsive need to feel accepted. It’s not just in the way you saw that it happens either- its the way I am in work, throughout university, with my sister’s grades, when my parents split up- I feel a need to be the centre of attention or become completely detached from it if I cannot be the main focus. It’s horrible and inhumane. I think it is why I can make the jokes that I do because if I am not the ‘butt’ of it then I do not care because it is only a bunch of words thrown into a sentence.
What is wrong with me?
What is worse is the fact it took for you to leave for me to admit I have a problem that needs help. You didn’t deserve any of this but I hope that with help then maybe, just maybe there is something, some way we can make this work. You’re the only one who understood, the only one I didn’t have to pretend to be something I am not with and I absolutely adored you because of that. I can’t give up and I have to believe this because otherwise what do I have? I won’t give up on you; on us.
You were good enough, you were all I needed. I lead you to believe you weren’t with how I am but you should know that any guy would be lucky to have such a beautiful, funny, caring, selfless girl like you. I was so lucky to have you and the messed up thing is that I always knew that. I never deserved you, I never believed I would have a chance with a girl like you and that is what took us so long to ever end up in the position to begin with- I have always loved you. I told you it was you or nobody because I couldn’t start again with just anybody; I’m grateful I ever got a chance to love you.
You will never read this and it would seem we are too far gone for it to mean anything now anyway but I want everyone and anyone who reads this to know I am a jerk. I am selfish. Insensitive. Stupid. And I gave up the only girl I will ever love for the sake ego boosting when I should have seen I already had a girl who thought the world of me. I won’t do anything stupid to put you in a guilty position or go back to what I was considering last night because you’re right- I deserve to stand up and take it like a man, I deserve the hate and the abuse and I will take it all knowing I have no defence.
I will find help. I will always be here for you because you’re the only hope I have. I don’t expect anything from you. I wish you all the happiness in the future. You’re a beautiful woman and don’t blame yourself for a second.
Please, anyone who reads this, don’t make the same mistake as me because it hurts and it doesn’t mend.
This was my fault.
I am sorry.
